And So, What IS “Sex Therapy” Anyway?
“No, I’m not having sex with my clients”. Whenever I’m asked about my specialization, I’ve grown accustomed to the initial shocked reactions followed by a volley of rapid-fire questions including the ever so cheeky “So, uh, does that mean you’re having sex with your clients?” To be fair, therapy — and especially sex therapy — has only recently become more normalized where showing up and “doing the work” is almost worn as a sort of badge of honor for some (We can discuss mental healthcare access and the imposition of the moral superiority complex in another post). Now more than ever before, folks are eager to continue the process of healing by way of a more honest exploration and uncovering of their inner world. Even still, the idea of sex therapy as a discipline still stumps people. And so, what exactly is “sex therapy” anyway?
Sex therapy is the process by which you and a therapist address concerns related to sex, intimacy, relationships, pleasure, and the body. Sex therapy can be completed solo, in a couple+ dynamic, and there are even sex therapy/sex therapy adjacent support groups. As sex therapists, we are tasked with aiding you in making sense of, making peace with, and unpacking the relational, emotional, and psychological factors that impact and are impacted by the aforementioned areas of connection. This also takes into consideration your social location, or rather, the specific sociocultural, biological, and environmental contexts of your lived experience and those who you’re in relationship with.
And now, this definition is very general. Each sex therapist has their own approach and/or style of practice that best works for them and the folks they support. And in my opinion, that’s the beauty of the therapeutic process. My method of practice, for example, is conducted through the lens of an anti-colonial/liberation-focused, relational, consent and pleasure-expansive framework. My practice is deeply informed by the amalgamation of my identities, lived experiences, and study (institutional, communal, and independent). I’m a person who is unambiguously Black & queer. I’m southern (Florida). I’m the first to [insert list]. I am a survivor of SA, a sex worker, pleasure activist, and kink-community member. I’m a lover, and am deeply passionate about the wellbeing of others. The point is, my approach to sex therapy is inherently intertwined with the various dimensions of who I am, how I see myself, and how the world has interacted with me.
And now sure, this all may sound nice, but I imagine that there are still some questions. So I’ll be breaking down some of the more frequently asked questions next.
What are some of the issues that sex therapy addresses?
Sex therapy encompasses a vast selection of issue-areas. Some are more closely associated with pathology, while others are more conceptual, intangible, or spiritual. This can include what some may consider “sexual dysfunction”, such as erectile unreliability, painful intercourse, or pre-mature ejaculation. It can also include changes in libido and/or sexual desire, navigating the impacts of life transitions, sexual curiosity, identity, and healing from trauma. In my practice, my sweet spots are as follows:
Afrocentric Sexuality & Pleasure
Consensual Non-Monogamy & Polyamory
Intercultural Expectations Around Sex & Intimacy
Sex Work
Kink & BDSM
Differing Desires
Healing from Sexual Trauma
Solo-Pleasure and Self-Intimacy
De-pathologizing Sexuality.
How do I know if sex therapy is right for me?
Just as with standard therapy, you do not need to be in the middle of crisis in order to pursue sex therapy. Simply being curious is more than enough of a reason to begin. If you are already seeing a therapist, a great starting place could be checking in with them to see if they are knowledgeable/equipped to explore more sexually-related themes. If you’re not currently in therapy, I’d encourage reading, following sex therapists & educators online, and getting more curious around your areas of comfort and discomfort, fears and excitements, and what feels more accessible vs. inaccessible.
If you do have more concrete concerns (I.e. persistent distress, specific “dysfunctions”, or barriers to intimacy and/or connection) then you’re already ahead of the curve. You could either go ahead and look up sex therapists in your area on Google, or using therapist platforms and directories such as Psychology Today, Manhattan Alternative (sex, intimacy, and kink-aware therapists), or Inclusive Therapists (especially if you’re queer, BIPOC), or you can speak with your doctor who would likely then give you some sex therapy referrals.
How is “progress” measured?
Once you begin sex therapy, naturally you’d like to have a clearer understanding of what progress can look like. Success in sex therapy is measured through a combination of subjective and objective indicators that’re informed in part by your developing understanding of your desires and goals. For example, in the case for someone navigating erectile unreliability, an indicator of progress could be their ability to maintain an erection for a longer period of time. For someone else, what they consider progress may be their mindset shift around the necessity and importance of an erection when it comes to their experience of pleasure. And yet for someone else, progress could be them being more willing and able to successfully communicate and navigate tension with their partner as it arises in relation to erections/lack thereof. With sex therapy in particular, your therapist may offer homework or some reflective exercise that you can use to track progress as well.
All in all, sex therapy has the potential to be truly transformative for those who are interested and willing to engage, with the benefits impacting life both within and outside of the bedroom. Believe it or not, the very same themes, insecurities, questions, worries, and even excitements that we encounter sexually are often a direct reflection of how we engage with the outside world. In my (very clearly biased) opinion, allowing ourselves to unravel just a bit more to reveal the insights of our sexual selves can be a gateway towards a true sense of collective power, care, and celebration.
Keanu M. Jackson, LCSW (he/him) is a queer, Black sex therapist, educator, and the founder of Homebody Psychotherapy. In addition to his clinical work, he centers curating connective experiences that highlight the importance of moving towards a more tender and compassionate future. To keep in touch, follow his instagram: Homebody Psychotherapy, and TikTok: @ke.nu
